what I owe myself
03/26/2008 06:47 p.m.
http://www.bloglines.com/blog/Bigroof?id=47 So what will I do with my existential crisis? I f you don't know what I'm talking about go read the previous three of four posts before the last one (March 21).

I have struggled with a lack of a sense that prayer will do any good. I have had a sort of general bad mood. I feel my life lacks direction and meaning (besides that, I'm doing great).

Oh crap, then there is the memory of what I've told so many others. There are some things we owe to ourselves just because we owe it to ourselves.

It seems like there are a lot of things I'm told I ought to do by others (or myself) because I owe it to God or the church. "You ought not look at pornography (I don't, but sometimes the want to comes up in my heart) because somehow that would be unfair to God." Or you ought to tithe because the church needs it and you ought to support the church (this works surprisingly well in some circles)"

There are cultural imperatives, "you ought to set the table with the knife to the right (blade facing in) because that's the way it ought to be done." "You ought not to eat with your mouth open."

But something we/I (big I) owe to ourselves is to take the time to figure out what, exactly, it is we/I owe to ourselves.

I find the urge to view pornography a lot more manageable when I examine it in terms of what I owe to myself. (a little side note of honesty here, I think even the best among us has, at times, had pornographic thoughts while going through the motions of worship, surrounded by Christians --if you enjoy much of that; it will lead you to other, more tangible, actions. Which, I think, you/I owe it to ourselves to avoid.)

What I'm trying to say is this: everyone needs to work out in their own heart and mind exactly what it is that they owe to themselves. It defines life. It is the answer to my existential struggle. Some people fancy me as a counselor, I do enjoy serving people into a greater blessing. What I enjoy is serving people into a deeper understanding of what they owe to themselves and how to attain it.

I owe it to myself to take some time and do some deep thinking about why these negatives have come up in my soul. They weren't so obvious four months ago.

I covet your prayers for me and I would like to know how to pray for you.

A little note here, I have labored with a friend of mine for years. Helping him into treatment centers, sheltering him in my home, getting warrants on him when he stole from me out of my home, etc. He is off drugs (maybe not pot) but not getting the life of joy that God passionately desires for him. I am wrung dry with serving him. He can't come to my house much because of numerous past betrayals, I could give him money if I choose but I cannot loan him money because of previous unpaid loans. I am wrung dry, ---but--- I can pray for him. I am praying that God will break off him the bitterness and unforgiveness he carries. I am starting to see a little crack in his facade. Aslan is on the move, it seems.

When all else fails, we/I owe it to ourselves to discover the power of prayer.

............or maybe even before all else fails.

I am currently Brooding
I am listening to nada