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peace and gaining spiritual authority
12/15/2004 03:02 p.m.
I believe this is a key that is setting me free as a person. If anyone could help me describe this any better it would be such an aid to me.

Last night I lost my ability to be a servant to my wife (it was her fault, honest) relative to keeping the kitchen clean. sometimes she makes the biggest freaking deals out of the smallest considerations (note: don't worry about needing her side, I will give you all the truth you'll ever need, honest. No one knows it better than me).

I think when I loose the capacity to be her servant I usually loose god's help in the situation. Why, because it is serving the idol of my heart that blocks me from serving, first her; but, ultimately, god. I cared more about the way I get treated than being her servant. So I cared more about the way I get treated than I care about god. This seems to take a lot of work --to recognize I have put something (the way I'm treated) before god.

I cannot change without god's help. This is what Im trying to do --when I see I've lost my capacity to be a servant, I take it to god. I confess to him I have an idol of my heart that I love more than him and ask him to help me repent (that, in itself, takes a lot of effort sometimes). I seek to make an offering to him of the very thing I desperately want (to be treated "nice"). I ask him to form in me a faith and a connection with him that would make it easy to turn loose of my standard for how king self should be treated and not loose my capacity to serve others no matter how I'm treated.

This does mean death to self but NOT death to self --I know, I know you're thinking, "huh". Well, it does mean letting completly go of my standard of how other people treat me in not loosing my capacity to serve them. It does NOT mean loosing my capacity to serve them by making them mad, or loosing my capacity to disagree with or oppose people; or even to stand up for myself in a context of serving them.

Stay with me, I know this is difficult but I'm almost done. This is what I'm finding (pray for me please that I presevere). That when god grants me an ability to not loose my capacity to serve him by serving others when they are hard to deal with --it gives me such peace and joy. Even when others don't change (often they won't) I still find a fulfilling connection with god and experience his power in other areas of my life.

When we loose ourselves in making it our business to serve god (letting go of how we are treated and continue to serve others from a heart of love), god makes it his business to promote our blessings.

please, please pray for me in pursuing a heart to offer to god when patricia buys millstone coffee for me when I told her starbucks (you see how hard it is for me)

does this make sense. I would do anything I know for people to have such a compelling peace from god that they could sacrifice all they are and have to know him. I'm working on it myself and I covet your prayers.

this is also posted on my blog "faith vs religion" http://www.bloglines.com/blog/Bigroof



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