::note to Self::
11/22/2002 05:27 p.m.
halloween brought this point to my mind...Christians (aka judgemental
funtamentalist puritans) seem to believe that the 'dead' are a forbidden
territory. When the 'dead' as a whole are recognized or even revelled in
for a moment, this just must be something to do with Satan. halloween is
a touchy subject fo me, never having been allowed to participate in the
dressing up and candy gathering. Simply because it is 'evil'.

I was sitting at my parent's dinner table (I've learned to just deal
with their beliefs and keep my mouth shut, to a degree, and just enjoy
the parts that i do love and understand) and my sister Kalin was talking
across the table to our sister Deona about how Halloween's original name
was "Evilween". For some reason, my parents were absent from the dinner
table, so i started asking Kay questions..."who told you halloween used
to be called evilween?"

Kay said "our sunday school teacher" (now, my younger siblings have an
advantage in that they started out in public school, where i started and
stayed in a private school for a period of time until highschool (my
blooming stages). but there is still church about 3 or 4 times a week in
my father's house. this is where my siblings are given their brainwashed
education...)

I told her that Halloween did not used to be called evilween. She argued
with me and said, "Yes it did!, they added on the "H" and stuff..." I
still told her it didn't make sense. But the adults in children's lives
(usually the ones who get there first) are the biggest
teachers/influence. I think the situation is just sad, though. But what
can a big sister do? any suggestions are welcome.

I just added the above tidbits of paragraphs because i was on the
subject of Halloween...so as i was starting to say in the beginning,
here we have a 'holiday' that Christians fear (i say fear because it is
obviously not love, and there's nothing else left but fear when love is
out of the picture). They proclaim it to be evil and satanistic. Just
like this Satan fantasy, it is just another end of the spectrum. Samhain
celebrated directly opposite of the moments of rebirth and rejuvenation
in the springtime aire. Christians (at least the ones i have had the
pleasure of meeting) seem to take no responsibility for the other end of
the spectrum, blaming it all on the evil character of Satan. darkness,
emptiness, sin. God= love, light, laughter. I don't think they choose
(obviously, they don't) to understand that both sides of the spectrum
are one in the same. None better than the other, because they are each
part of the whole. It is my belief (and each to their own, dear
children...) that "God" is both Satan and Christ, but not the same as in
the ageold text. 'Evil' and 'good', one might say, but who is to say
what is evil and what is good? You could say that there are things that
hinder you from where you want to go, who you want to be, and these
might be recognized as 'evil' to our mind. But everything that is in
your path to your Self is there for a purpose. So, serving a purpose,
how is that deemed evil. Without those circumstances you may frown upon,
your ultimate goal might never take place. My favourite line of poetry
that i have ever written is as follows: "Those i have cursed, have
brought me blessings. Those i have misunderstood, have brought me
understanding..." The first line was a reflection on my 3 year
relationship with my ex. I stayed in the relationship to spite my
father, and it created some marvelous angst poetry. In the end, i left
my parents to go and be with him, finding out he was never who i had
written journals of poetry about. In the end, i cursed him for causing
my illusions. But, after reflection, it was i who caused them. And he
indeed brought me many blessings. A week after i broke it off with him,
i met my husband. So many little things that developed inside my Self,
all because i had spent those three years with my ex. Such a learning
experience. And the second line was written in reflection on how i
couldn't grasp my Father's concepts throughout my entire teenage life,
and i still cannot comprehend his thinking patterns sometimes. But it
urged me greatly to figure out my own thoughts. Seeing His young Soul
struggle sent me on my own soulsearch. So, in the end (or beginning) my
misunderstandings of my Father brought me nearer to the understandings
of my Self. and i am forever grateful. I used to curse my situation in
the pre-freedom years. But having had almost 4 years to ponder the
situation further, i see now it was all necesary for me to become who i
Am. And the caged bird singing brought out the poet in me. Perhaps if i
hadn't had the childhood situations i was raised in, i might not have
taken solace in my poetics. So, in the end, I am grateful for it all. So
i am going to stop this essay that was originally (travelled off a side
road at some point, i think) going to be bitching about Christians who
don't take their kids trick-o-treating on Halloween. And i will end with
saying that i can't wait to have a child to hold hands with walking on
the sidewalk, candybag in swinging, with my child's fantasy come alive
for one night in the clothes he/she wears. And the leaves will fall
gently, and we'll scurry to the next door step, hearing the crunch of
leaves, and feeling the autumn breeze...and i will have completed the
cycle...