same old thing, new context.
09/26/2007 07:05 a.m.
well hello there. it's been a while since i've written a journal entry here; strange, because i've actually been relatively active on the site as of late. so, go figure that one.

anyway, here's what's up in my life, and those peripheral to my life.

my mother was hospitalized last week with some sort of viral infection, or something (i'm not exactly sure WHAT it is, but still)- and she's being transfered to hospice care this week, and then, well. who knows.
through my writing here, most of you are actually more well informed than most of my friends; there's something very comforting about the infinite distance of space, and not being immediately surrounded by everyone nosing in your business. it's strange, i tend to think myself a fairly private person when it comes to dealing with my problems, but only in the real world; here, in a community where i know that there's support (and relationships i've mined over years of being here), but that support is not always in my face, it is very very comforting. I guess i'm just much better at writing down what i think than actually saying it (i am a horrible conversationalist- if i don't write down and edit what i'm saying before i say it, i rarely ever say anything illuminating. most of the things i say are completely benign.). conversation is limiting, because points can be left unarticulated; but in writing, i have infinite time to consider how to respond to everything.

and yet, in writing, i also run off on ridiculous tangents that never occur to me in conversation. (see above.)

so, essentially, my only methods of coping are writing and writing and writing.
and oh, what writing i've done.

i think this is the most creatively fertile i've ever been. i mean, sure, in high school i wrote 3 or 4 poems a day, but let's be frank. they are, for the most part, unequivocally shit. at this point though, i may not be as prolific as i once was but i'm sure consistently producing what i feel to be the best works i've ever done. and i've expanded my scope. in case you've missed my shameless self promotion like, everywhere on this site (and all over the net, for that matter), i've decided to try my hand at hip-hop. i resisted it for so long because i'd feared that i would never be taken seriously, but after seriously working at it, i feel like i've got something that i could actually show to people, so yeah. if you haven't heard it and would like to, check out myspace.com/blocksband . even if hip-hop isn't your thing, i'd still appreciate a listen. the worst that could happen is that you get a headache. best case scenario, i completely realign your long-standing perceptions of a horribly misunderstood genre, which by one means or another, leads to world peace.
i'm guessing your reaction will be somewhere in the middle. hopefully leaning towards the latter. in any case. i'm writing lyrics and beats and i'm starting to take some pride in it. i've never been overly confident in any endeavour i've ventured into. I can work up a storm of bravado, but until very recently there wasn't anything behind it. now there is a sense that i might have stumbled onto what i was meant for in this world. i hope so, because i've been without direction for a while now.

now the mind-numbing section of the entry where i complain about my non-existent love life:
my lovelife is non-existent. boo-hoo.

seriously though, last time i wrote i mentioned about a relationship crumbling and whatnot, and well, did it ever. conveniently though, right before that happened, we signed a lease on an apartment with two of our best friends; and guess who i ended up rooming with? and, guess who's addictions and vices have returned stronger than ever (this being someone who, to put it lightly, has massive issues with drug addiction and depression)?

so essentially, i've spent the last two months or so watching two of the people i care about more than anything in the world completely deteriorating.

i guess i should take solace in that all of my biggest problems are actually other people's problems, that i have nothing so significant going on in my own life that's terribly horrible. at the same time though, the people i love mean everything to me. and in that short of a span, i've lost one and am going to lose another any day now.

i'll let you know more later.
I am currently Troubled
I am listening to bright eyesi'm wide awake, it's morning