In an Alternate Universe, Maybe
06/17/2003 08:43 p.m.
Happiness is a complicated concept, one that I'm in no way equipped to define. Just because I can't define it, though, doesn't mean I can't recognize it.

This weekend, I experienced a dizzying gift of happiness, wrapped up with all the things that should accompany such a gift: excitement, spine tingles, surreality, and an overwhelming sense of contentment.

I fell in love. Not the usual way-- I've never wanted to believe in love at first sight (terrifying!) and I refuse (refuse! I mean it! There will be no rebellious, sentimental feelings on my part-- I can't bear having to crush the attachment down the road when I know full well I shouldn't have allowed it to form in the first place, so I won't!) to fall in love with someone I've only met once. No, I think I fell in love with an alternate vision of my life.

I caught a glimpse of my life as it could have been-- in another time, maybe, in a different set of circumstances, in a different place. And yes, with someone I never met before. I have the feeling that it *could* have worked out-- only not here, not now, not with me the way I am and the world the way it is... in an alternate universe, maybe, I would have discovered eternal happiness, on top of a swingset in a muggy summer midnight, and that would have been the beginning of the rest of my life.

Instead, it feels like a brief departure from my life-- a detour that I couldn't afford, but couldn't resist. I stepped for a few hours into another life, one that I could have had, but never knew (and still don't know) how to claim as my own, or how to find again now that I'm back in the real world.

It's like being teased by a vision of your soulmate, so tantalizingly attractive, but with a veil of impossibility keeping it from reach. It's not real, but it's so close you can taste it anyway...

Time to go wash my mouth out-- but not with soap... the aftertaste of this weekend is too beautiful to destroy altogether.


I am currently Reflective
I am listening to Ironic... last line, last verse