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he wants me to have his baby
10/22/2011 05:32 p.m.
three years have passed. i was a wreck, then i slowly got less wrecked. my husband left me. kicked me out of the house, moved someone else in 2 weeks later. 4 weeks after i'd had myself sterilized. 6 weeks after dozer died. 5 years after we'd gotten married. 8 years after we'd met and fell 'in love'. or whatever that horror story of a relationship was.
i spent a numb year finding myself. or trying to. its hard to find yourself when you are trapped in ice, and nothing and no one really moves you. i enjoyed being single, doing lots of drugs, drinking as my sole source of nutrition. i slept around...i liked the fact that i could live on my own, but still find a bed to be in somewhere else whenever i needed to. it was alot about control. i cried and cried for what i'd lost. then i got angry. i think you can only cry so long before you have to switch over to anger or completely lose your mind.
after that year, i met by chance, D. he found me online...i figured he'd be fun. he was older than anyone i'd dated...far removed from my usual type. i told him straight up i didnt want to get involved with anyone..but hey, we can have fun.
nearly 2 years later, he's somehow caught my heart. made me feel something again, tho the feelings come slow and guarded and cynical. im waiting for the other shoe to drop, tho he swears it wont. ...he wants to marry me. i think i want to marry him...tho all i can see is that particular plane crash happening again. and how it will murder me for good.
he wants a future with me. he promises me he loves me, tho promises mean very little to me these days. he wants to make a family with me. he wants me to have a reversal of the sterilization. ...what am i to make of that? when i think about that i hit a wall. a wall of 'nothing last forever, especially love.'. i've heard promises before. ...there is that niggling womanly part of me that says ...well..maybe. but there is that hardened, angry, burned part that says i turned that option off, and why would i turn it back on for you? who says that YOU are different from every other fuck who said they loved me, but didnt mean it, in the end.
nothing last forever, especially love.
but he believes in marriage the way that i do, at my core. at least he says he does. when my husband left me, he raped me of that. took from me the sanctity of marriage..the vows, the promises..the ability trust. i had told him 'if we do this, its forever' he said, of course. and then later he said 'vikki, people change'.
people change, vikki.
so whats the right decision here? what makes sense? whats logical? im tired of following my heart, and following blindly a trust in something i cant see. love is just a word that falls out of mouths so easily. promise is too. as is forever. but babies are forever. i would have his child, for him. because i do love him. and i would love to do that. ...
theres so much at hand here, i cant even begin to unravel it.

Member Comments on this Entry
Posted by Alison McKenzie on 10/25/11 at 04:00 AM

I don't know you, at all, but I recognize some of your feelings about being married, about those scars. It's hard to let someone in again, difficult to trust. On the other hand, cynicism alone apparently doesn't totally kill love. It only makes it hard. But maybe a simple way to look at it like this: seems like you have two hungry beasts barking risk at you - Cynicism and Love. Which one will live? The one you feed. Personally, I hope that whichever beast you feed ends up treating you respectfully. Take care. :)

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