Emotional Rollercoaster
01/22/2009 04:57 p.m.
the past few months, years. the last few weeks. have been very strange. things between jayson and i have been strange. scratch that. strangled. he's working through issues...i am lonely lonely lonely. i am angry, and hurt and confused. yet productive, even creative, producing more in the last two or three weeks than i have in the last ten years. things just pour out of my hands, pour out of my mouth....tears too, pour out of my eyes. i miss him. he's right there, but gone.
yesterday was better. we fought over AIM which is always the best way to fight, because both parties get heard. except that he was at work, and so we couldnt kiss and make up, if he had been inclined to. i sobbed and sobbed. i told him everything, he told me some, and when he came home, he Tried. which was all i was asking for.
it felt good to feel his body again, it felt sad because i doubt it will last. im trying to be hopeful, but patterns are patterns.
writing randomly has kept me afloat. writing concertedly has been messages in a bottle for him...but i dont think he has received them, or if he has, he has sent no bottles back. thats pretty typical, if not infuriating.
the house has gone to shit, and im not motivated to clean. all im motivated to do is talk, write, and create.
i feel happy at the creativity, but i would give it up for stability of emotion..and a fix to whatever is bothering him. i wish that fix was me.