The Journal of April Stale|
11/24/2017 12:26 a.m.
I originally started to write poetry to write a response to a poem written about me. After that I continued writing poems to try to get my feelings out, I don’t consider myself a poet but I tried hard to put my feelings into poem form. But I feel like I have so much more to get out so that’s the reason for this entry. I’ve always thought I’ve made good decisions in life but at 30 years old, I’ve realized I’ve been very dumb when it comes to love. In my first real relationship at age 20 I just thought I found a good guy and that’s it I should just stay with him. I was scared to break off this first relationship even though it didn’t make me happy. What a sad thing to think that I thought a relationship was just to find something that things work with. But I know now that the person you’re with should make you insanely happy and the same with them. Someone who makes you feel comfortable in your skin, values you, grows with you, most importantly someone who makes you laugh and who makes you feel everlastingly young.
It’s an interesting thing to come to big life/love realizations years after the fact. A realization that you made a big mistake that you can’t change. I realized I met the person I was looking for at a time that I wasn’t ready. He wrote beautiful poetry and a letter to me that is the most romantic thing I’ve ever read. Yes, it is masochistic of me to pull up a letter from 2011 and read it now. However, I didn’t realize my mistake until the past couple years so it made me look back and fully realize what all took place when I made the biggest mistake of my life.
Let me just ask you a question, which guy would you choose…. One that writes this to you:
“i can't stop but to think that you are my Mona Lisa. you are so rare...so one of a kind...so elite & valuable...so priceless and elegeant...so epic princess to me. to me you are a supermodel and the gal next door...the perfect gameday companion and the ideal motherly type. maybe i read you too fast...or skipped some pages, but i know all this about you. i want to be so poetic and flowery right now...dress this up in the finest fonts, but i can't say it any better than to me you're tragically special. i don't think you know how much so...or give yourself enough credit...or expect to be treated like a goddess...but i think you should. and please when you read goddess don't think i simply mean looks...please. you're obviously drop dead stunning...but that's definitely not the message i'm trying to send here. you're all of that to me though. you're the unicorn and the pot of gold and the fairytale wrapped into one. a million miles of stars.”
A guy who is disconnected from his feelings, never treated you special, even after years together doesn’t know anything REAL about you, and above all doesn’t value you.
It seems like a super easy answer doesn’t it? Well apparently not to 23-year old me. If anyone writes something like that to you let me just say you should absolutely take that leap of faith, run into his arms and let him know how much you care about him too. Don’t make the mistake I did because it will haunt you when the time comes that there is literally nothing you can do to change things. When people tell me that I’ll find someone, I want to say I already found them but I let them go. Our history is not one that was really known so it’s harder to deal with my heartbreak from it. Even more so when somehow that heartbreak is hitting me years later. It took me so long to realize what I wanted in life… I feel like you were it for me and now I don’t know how I can feel like I’ll find someone who makes me feel like you did. But right now I know that all I can do is wait for time to help me put my regret to rest. I’m sorry for the past (not appreciating you and not believing you when you tried to get me to see we had something special and should run with it) and I’m sorry for writing this because I know I shouldn’t and you were right about absolutely everything.
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